The Mysterious Rachel Disappearing Act

I suppose I've learned a magic trick: disappearing from Blogger when I have things to blog about whilst still sufficiently lurking around the internet.

For most of you, school has started. This means that I'm back in Ithaca, attempting to major in music, minor in computer science, be in a functional relationship, work as an usher, be a member of a professional music fraternity, finish Portal, practice enough, and sleep. Simultaneously. Notice that "have a life" doesn't factor into this equation.

I worked really hard all summer on my audition excerpts. I counted, thought about, listened to, and explored Stravinsky and Brahms in an entirely new way. And still I fell short of my goal by one chair. It turns out that auditions are picky--and those split-second unconscious decisions on vibrato or expression can cost you. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for this--I made the mistake and I'm going to learn from it. And plus, being a principle player in a lower ensemble is a good experience for me, miss "I want to do a sophomore recital but ZOMG SOLO I CAN'T PLAY THIS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE!?!?!"

My trick to practicing is to make other people listen to you. Let them judge your performance. If you feel comfortable with the people whose opinions matter to you judging your music-making, the audition's going to go better.

Another important thing I learned (from SIMF): let go of your ego. Focus on the music. This makes things a lot easier. It's surprising, how much better we play when we don't think "shit, I might mess up this next run and then the people outside in the hall will think I'm horrible and don't deserve where I'm placed." It's amazing to me that when we go into a practice room thinking that we're the greatest gift to music that any deity has ever created, we falter. The point of music, to me, is that it's not about you. It's about the composer's intent mixed with your emotions. You're not playing music to show how good you are. You're playing music because you feel it. It's inside of you. You want to read the composer's words in a different way.

As musicians, we're all guilty of being full of ourselves. But we're not what matters. The music is what matters.

I think I'm finally at peace with myself.